I often ask myself, “Would I have started running if I was
skinny?” These days, I don’t like to use the word “skinny” but to be perfectly
honest, most of my life I wanted to be SKINNY… not fit, not toned, just runway
model, size 0, A-cup breasts skinny.
It’s almost hard to for me to admit to
myself, but I am being completely honest. I remember feeling this way since the
2nd grade. I always wanted to be those skinny, adorable, little
girls, not the medium sized girl with the little belly.
I never was skinny. I played sports my entire life. I grew
up playing soccer and later switched to lacrosse in high school. During college
studying Molecular Biology consumed my life and what free time I had was spent socializing.
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| #home? |
I remember thinking in college that I missed sports… but did I? I missed
feeling in shape. I missed the hope I had that if I ran hard enough, played
hard enough, trained hard enough, I would be skinny-not fit, not toned, just
runway model, size 0, A-cup breasts skinny. I was extremely optimistic and
misinformed.
Post undergrad, I gained weight. I began living with
boyfriend and went to the gym occasionally. I ate poorly and I drank multiple
times a week. The weight gain was not substantial (maybe 12 pounds at the most)
but it was enough for me to be very enviously and crave to be skinny.
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| First few months of dating and weight gain |
My solution was to run a marathon.
I did not want to run a half. I wanted to run the full 26.2.
My thinking behind this crazy feat was only skinny people run marathons. Sure,
they were fit but the idea of fit was growing on me. Maybe a size 2 wouldn't be
so bad and it sounded so much better than the size 8 I was currently
wearing.
I began training January 2012.
I signed up Team in Training for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society. I had no idea
what it would take to run a marathon and it might be nice to raise money for cancer
(I’ll have a whole separate post of how LLS changed me).
Boy did my life change at that point. Not overnight and not
even until my 5th full marathon that I began to accept my body. On
average, I run from 30-40 miles a week. My weight hasn't changed that much (although
I did lose my post-college pounds). My thighs still touch but they are strong thighs.
I think of my legs as powerful. I really do! In fact, I kind of like my legs
and they are by no means skinny legs. I am even fond of my butt now, which I
hated for so long because it held me back from fitting into a smaller size
pant.
This body has run 5 full marathons and a whole bunch of
halves. It is strong and I’m starting to like it. I have running to thank for
it… not for the weight lost (because let’s be honest there hasn't been that
much) but for confidence.
Dear running, I am grateful. Love, Kate
